Being Less

By: Megan

I really thought that if I was less, you would want me more.

So I conformed to be something I was not.

I found myself obsessed with numbers and slept to forget the pain of hunger.

Drowning in a high that felt anything but good.

But how could I stop?

The attention was worth the pain at this point.

I admit I was not okay,

But I recognize that I never will be.

Some scars can fade 

But some cut so deep; it has forever changed me.

Some things will never be the same for me.

I will never be able to look at Thanksgiving like I used to.

I will never be able to forget the fear of burning thousands of calories behind a locked door.

I will never be able to go to a doctor's office without feeling immense anxiety.

I will never be able to “just go for a run”.

I will never be her ever again.

And maybe that is okay.

But maybe it’s not.

Maybe my brain has morphed into believing new things.

Maybe I have been sculpted into my new self.

Maybe I will never feel that type of pain again,

Or maybe I will be triggered by the slightest memory of a feeling.

At the end of the day, it’s the journey that matters.

The progress I have made is what follows me into tomorrow, and the past stays with today.

The new me is far more than I would have hoped, yet far less than where I will end up.